Can't sleep

I can't sleep.  I know its not really *that* late yet but I feel so twitchy that I darent even try to get to sleep.  I felt so guilty earlier about what money I had spent on Christmas presents (not really a massive amount but still enough that I felt really guilty) I spoke to husband who told me it wasn't a problem and I shouldn't worry about it but I still feel uneasy about it.  Added to that I have my assessment appointment tomorrow and I don't know why I am so stressed about it.  I know it is going to be a waste of time when I am expected to go through my life history and then at the end they will tell me that CBT will help so they wil put me on the waiting list for it and in the meantime here is a CPN for you to see.  Two and a half years ago I was put on the list for CBT.  I've never heard any more about it. My experience with CPNs is not great so I don't really want to go down that line again but unfortunately I think that is what I will be offered...  So why am I anxious about tomorrow if I am fairly certain of what will happen 1) what happens if I can't find a parking space? 2) what happens if I am late either as a result of 1 or for some other reason 3) what if they are unpleasant or shout at me about a missed appointment in the past (which wasn't my fault. I tried to let them know I couldn't attend)  4) what about the unknown?

16/12/13 part 2

Sitting here I feel alone and isolated. I have hardly eaten today. I can't face food, had some toast because then I've eaten.  Feel like such a failure at the moment.  Just don't know what to do any more.  Every day is harder than the one before. A few minutes ago I felt okish now I feel at rock bottom but dont know why.  I'm tired but know trying to sleep is a waste of time.  I think I have managed to push away all my friends and now I am so alone but yet the thought of spending time with people terrifies me too!  AAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!! It's all such a vicious circle.

16/12/13

Today is Monday. I decided to start this blog as a way of getting the stuff in my head out of it at least for a while.  It all fells like balls of wool jumbled up together so this might help unravel it a little bit.  At some point I might do a "proper" first post but for now I am just jumping straight into today....

I am feeling anxious and panicky at the moment.  My heart is racing and my chest is sore.  I am very tired.  I was out in the car a little earlier and saw a police car by the side of the road.  A car had obviously knocked a cyclist over.  I started panicking about what if I knocked someone over, what would happen to them?  What would happen to me? How would I cope being questioned?  I felt so sick and shaky that I had to abandon my trip and come home.

Tonight I have to take child number 1 to a concert at school.  I am panicking about that.  I didn't take the children to school this morning because I couldn't face the crowds.  Don't know how tonight is going to be but I don't want to let child down.

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